The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Failed to entertain me last night. Having read the series the first time because my college roommate wouldn't shut up about them, and then another three times because I wrote a research paper about the influence the series has on young women.. I was going to finish that by saying I expected a bit more. Let's not lie.

If you are any sort of semi-serious film connoisseur, this film will ultimately confuse and confound you. Do not attempt to view without some sort of booze in your system.

I wasn't expecting much more than the pure entertainment of watching young and old Twi-hards squeal and shriek in their seats over Edwards' brooding (some would say constipated) stares and Jacobs' abs. I was less than impressed.

Let me get this out of the way now. I'm not sure if Jackson Rathbone's obvious transition into Jasper's southern drawl over the last three films is my biggest pet peeve about the films, or my favorite thing. Let's be clear that by "favorite thing" what I actually mean is worst piece of acting that inevitably makes me giggle in my seat. The accent was dripping with Texas Beef Brisket by the time Jasper was teaching everyone to fight the newborns, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing when the audience was swept back to his days as a Confederate Major.

The opening scene starts - Riley walking through the pouring rain in Seattle and I was stricken with the thought that perhaps David Slade had finally landed the appropriate cinematography for the Twilight films - then what's-his-face Riley started acting scared-college-student-attacked-by-vampire and the film went downhill from there. I'll give it to Slade for the first 15 seconds though, cause he really wowed me with that rain. It was almost as if he gave up in the editing room when he realized he couldn't edit away what's-his-name Riley's poor acting skills, so he just started playing with different cinematic techniques.

I'm not even going to try and tackle Robert Pattinson's acting because it's clear by the psychotic facial expressions he used throughout this film that he's now angry with Summit Entertainment for roping him in to the franchise in the first place and simply wishes he could slip away to a life of dive bars, pubs and booze. Homie, cannot, act.

Then there's K-Stew. She's finally gotten rid of the shake acting she'd been using in the previous two films, but now she's moved on to something even more terrifying. The man scream. I'm pretty sure every time she tried to yell out dramatically the whole theater ruptured into laughter.




The really sad part about this whole film franchise is that despite the way in which Stephanie Meyer butchered her own series [by not using an editor, or having any talent as a writer], the films could have been pretty good. Instead what we're left with is a series of movies that obviously favor the underdog (no pun intended) because Taylor Lautner is the better actor, which isn't saying much. The audience can't help but laugh because if we didn't we'd cry.

I probably could have done a better job as Bella and the only part I've ever played was a lunch lady in a One Act production of Fly Pudding in the 11th grade.

skank stank

For as much as I hate Miley Cyrus, I wouldn't blame the Bieb for bumping uglies with her while he can. She's pretty much dressed like one giant dirty condom for the last dozen performances she's done, but the Bieb is 16, so I won't hold it against him.





I know I can't be the first to say that Miley sounds like my great aunt who's on an oxygen tank 24 hours a day and still chain smoking cigarettes (everybody has one). She can't sing a lick of her own songs on key, and that I hold against her.

The Forbidden Journey!

I just read the reviews that popwatch! posted for the Forbidden Journey ride at the newly opened Wondrous World of Harry Potter. I could not be more excited.

I think when I get back from Europe I'm going to plan to save my pennies so that I can fly down to Orlando and explore the new theme park with what's left of my child-like wonder.

oh holy night

The fact that there are men in the world who look this good drinking water is an unfair crime.

The fact that there are men in the world who look this good drinking water and are under the age of 21, makes me feel a little dirty inside... and a little upset that I don't know any washed up 23-year-old men who look this good drinking water. Hell, I'd even take one who looked half this good drinking a beer.

Taylor Lautner will be gracing our eyes on the cover of GQ this week for the July issue. I don't even care what the article says, I just plan to salivate over his sexy abs while simultaneously tuning out his jibber jabber about not wanting to take his shirt off anymore. Give me a break kid, that body is the reason your government name has become household jargon.

silly bandz

These stupid rubber bracelets are taking over the school. Middle-school aged kids are generally entertained by anything but the new "fashionable accessory" is a two-for-one deal.

The girls wear them, trade them and basically use them as a measure of popularity (how many you've bought vs. how many you've acquired from other people) and a way to express interest in the opposite sex. It's ridiculous. The boys however, get them from the girls and immediately turn around and use them as undercover sling shots in the classroom.

It's an absurd passing trend.. but today I got silly-banded by one of the boys. Instead of being hit in the back with a "v-dart" slung across the room, one of my students called out "Miss Kusse, you want one of mine?? I know you do!" and threw me his bear-shaped blue band. I must be cool now.

colonoscopy is a funny word.

I just walked up to the woman in the Gastroenterology office to let her know I'd be waiting outside in the lobby for my mom.

B-Fab is having a colonoscopy today, so I left school during Moving Up Day to give her a hand during the joyous occasion. What a way to start the week. To B-Fabs' great irritation, I've been continuously saying "colonoscopy" all day because it makes me giggle. She finally snapped back and asked if I purposely say obnoxious things to her to get her riled up... it's too easy.

Joking aside, B-Fab says most people just ignore having the outpatient procedure done because they're too afraid so props to her for having some sand.

TGIF

The end of the week comes with obvious excitement, but for me this weekend means getting up early both days because of prior committments. I think this is karma for last weekends' vom-technic display in the hallway of my house (I couldn't make it to the bathroom).

After one going away party, happy hour and an 8th grade formal (all within the span of four hours), I'm hoping to make it one with Nicole Lilia and our friend OB who's moving to the big city in July. I can't stay out that late though, or let the bartender top of my drinks, because I'll be up by six am tomorrow. Bright eyed and bushy [pony] tailed.

Tomorrow morning, when the rest of you are recovering from Friday night, I'll be taking a teaching certification exam. I wish you all the best, hopefully no one ends up praying to the porcelain gods (brings me down for days). The weekend seems to be filling up though so it's a thumbs up and I'm hoping just to make it through without acting like a bumbling idiot or sending anymore stupid texts. I think I've hit my spazz quota for the week.

Job Security

I got a letter informing me today that I have job security for the 2010 - 2011 school year. After months of wondering whether or not I would have a job come the Fall, I don't feel the relief I thought I would. I waited around unable to answer my students when they asked if I would be back for their freshman year, lost out on a roommate and an apartment, and spent the last few months losing sleep and years on my life because I was told there was little to no chance I would get rehired (regardless of job performance).

I can't say I'm not thankful, I just wish the education system didn't yank it's employees around this way.  But that's for another day. Until then, at least I can tell my students that I'll be back in the Fall... and that I'll be wearing the new sundress I bought last week to their 8th grade formal tomorrow.

People should learn to rent cheap motel rooms...

A woman was charged with Adultery (no joke) in Batavia yesterday. She was caught having sex with a much younger man on a picnic table in a park. The article from 13wham states that they were engaging in sexual activity within view of families who were in the park. Before I even begin to dive into how beffudling it is that someone could actually be charged legally for committing adultery I think I need to state the obvious... DO NEITHER OF THESE GROWN ADULTS HAVE A CAR??? I'm sure even a strategically placed bathroom would have sufficed over a picnic table.

My favorite part about the article mentioned above is this quote,

"I think it’s disgusting I mean that's totally wrong,” Danny Bastedo said of the incident that occurred just a few hundred feet from his back door. “I mean 5 o'clock in the afternoon, come on? That's crazy."

According to Mr. Bastedo, having sex at 5 o'clock in the afternoon is despicable. Is it too bright outside? or maybe because cocktail hour just started he hasn't yet had enough drinks [by 5 o'clock] to touch that woman at the end of the bar inappropriately yet. I'm completely baffled.

Invisibility Cloak

Sometimes I wish I had an invisibility cloak. Okay wait, I ALWAYS wish that Facebook chat had an invisible option. It's totally amateur to not be able to go on Facebook, chat with the people you want and remain invisible to others who may simply want to stalk you.

I give you exhibit A. Let's call him college friend #8927340928309423. We met at a bar a few weeks ago on my close friends' birthday and then a few days later I got on Facebook to find myself with a new friend request. I waited a good two weeks before accepting, something I'm now regretting because I just got Fbook-chat stalked.

Facebook ruins social etiquette. It can be great.. to make sure the guy you're into is legit or to check up on your real friends but let's be honest, Facebook just allows you to have more information about people you don't really know than you should.

Rant over.

Recovery

Instead of doing my real job today I'm administering the 8th grade science exam to one of our students. Had I known about this assignment I would have [at the very least] brought my copy of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, or my laptop or something. Instead I've spent the better part of my work day picking apart my weekend piece by piece, brutally dissecting every moment of drunken conversation. I wish I could say I kept my cool, but that would be giving myself way too much credit.

My body is aching today because I spent the whole of yesterday throwing up all the booze I'd ingested on Saturday night. I'm sure it was a lovely display of me at my finest, outwardly freaking out because Mr. Miracle was there working and I can't seem to hold it together when he's around.

Let's just say it; epic fail. I'm pretty sure somewhere in our conversation he was trying to get at not knowing if I was looking to date him and informed me that he's incredibly busy right now. I cut him off to say I'm just looking to make new friends, and that I can't date anyone because I'll be gone most of the summer anyways. I'm a liar, even if I'll be in Romania for six weeks. Translation: I'm really busy right now equals I'm not interested in you. So that's that, but apparently he thinks we're already well on our way to friendship and informed me that if he didn't want to talk to me he just wouldn't. I responded with "I'm pretty sure you don't even know my last name, we're not friends yet." I'm thoroughly disgruntled about the whole thing. I'll never be able to watch Miracle again.

Our wonderfully kind and sometimes hilarious bartender/doorman continued to top off my drink for me which resulted in my needing to install my own vomitorium in the house yesterday. I'm sure I made a good impression on everyone. The entire night consisted of awkwardly tense and somewhat hilarious bits of conversation which culminated in Mr. Miracle's best friend telling me he knows we could have fun together.  I'm not even sure I'm supposed to know what that means. Things could get sticky real fast.

I've come to one conclusion during all this reflection; while I'm gone in Europe (which I'm not complaining about) the rest of my friends, new and old, will be hitting what Nicole Lilia calls their "twenty-something stride". Everyone else is moving out and I feel like I just moved home and finally got settled.