10.1.05

I'm going to spare you the subsequent rant about the book (again) because I just went there a few days ago, but I will say this - I was rather naive to think I would get through today unscathed.

It has been exactly 4 years to the day since a friend of mine passed away from cancer.

I can still remember where I was when I found out, who told me and exactly what I did in reaction to the news. I remember going home the next weekend for the service. The first time I'd been home from college. George (OF) and I went to see Elizabethtown the afternoon before the service, which ultimately was a failed attempt at trying to keep our spirits high. We picked the wrong movie.

I will never forget sitting with my varsity volleyball team at the service and looking down the aisle to see a friend of mine crying silently to himself. That image is burned in my memory. I can still feel my footsteps dragging down the halls of my high school towards the commons where everyone who was close to Charlie met after the service. I remember seeing my ex-boyfriend standing, chin on his chest, in complete anguish. He was disappointed in himself. His mother had died of cancer just 7 months earlier.

That night was unlike any other experience I have ever had. I saw two of the most important men in my life completely broken down, which is something I do not wish on anyone. Standing amongst our family, friends and peers I wrapped my arms around both of those boys and hoped beyond hope that I would be allowed to never let go.

It has been 4 years today. Since then I have hit rock bottom and come back. In fact I am positive that I could not get lower than I was then even if I tried. Charlie continues to be the sunshine in every day we're blessed with. He continues to spin a weave throughout our lives that without a doubt brings the class of 2005 back together. Even when we're begging for space. I don't know anyone else who experienced the kind of close-knit graduating class that I had. Charlie did that for us.

I would try to be funny today, in fact I had quite a few hilarious moments throughout the day which is a blessing considering the track record this day and month generally has for me and those who knew him. The month of October is like clockwork. Every year since Charlie passed it seems that I am dealing with one or the other - the ex boyfriend or the non boyfriend. Like clockwork this month chews me up and spits me out. This year I refuse to be brought down. Charlie wouldn't like that.